Gentlemen, do I have at least ONE number right??

Since Independence Day is rapidly approaching, I decided to write about something American. Something that -- if you really think about it -- could be chosen to replace "apple pie" in that stupid saying about America.

Let's face it, most people gripe about how America is a country based on greed and consumerism. You know what else is based on greed and consumerism? The Price is Right!

You know the drill: the contestants start out on Contestants' Row, then bid on items such as dishwashers or ceiling fans. You know, the kind of stuff that you'd be really pissed off if you had to buy. The truly lucky contestant sometimes gets a free bottle of floor wax or laundry detergent, as well. The bidder closest to the actual retail price without going over wins the prize and the opportunity to play a pricing game. The next prize is usually something ritzy. We're talking cars, money, sailboats, and fancy vacations to foreign lands -- where the winner will undoubtedly come off like Clark Griswold from European Vacation. Remember those outfits the family bought? Ugh.

Anyway, the contestants go on to spin the big wheel for the chance to win $10,000. It's always totally sad to see someone spin the wheel a second time, hoping to win that ten grand, only to go over one dollar. Then the contestant mopes off the stage with his or her head hanging down, wondering what he or she is going to do with a dune buggy.

Oh, and at the end, Bob Barker practices his right to free speech by begging the viewers to have their pet spayed or neutered. And watch the show this week -- I guarantee that Barker's Beauties will be wearing red, white, and blue swimsuits during the Showcase Showdown. And if Rod Roddy were alive, he'd be dressed as Uncle Sam, but, like, with sequins on his suit jacket and stuff.

On a personal note, I would kill for the chance to play Plinko. I wouldn't even necessarily want the money, I just want to know what it's like to see the board from a bird's eye view. I need to make friends with someone who works on that set. Someone make this happen.

For more information (and bloopers from the show), please visit this TPIR Site. You won't be sorry.

No, really....what's it all about, Alfie?

Having just finished watching Alfie at Miranda's house (we had to break in her new big fancy television), I have to say...yes, Jude Law is amazingly hot. But he really doesn't do much for me in the movies I've seen him in. I mean, he was upstaged in I Heart Huckabee's by Mark Freaking Wahlberg. Hell, he was upstaged by that stupid bonnet Naomi Watts kept wearing towards the end of the film, for god's sake.

I was honestly confused about which past-her-prime actress Alfie was supposed to end up with: Jane Krakowski? Susan Sarandon? Marisa Tomei? Nia Long?

And on a completely different note: does anyone know what a hollaback girl is? All I know is that Gwen Stefani claims not to be one. It's fun to hear on the radio, though. And I'm still surprised that they play it on 101.1 The River. It's crazy to hear it played right after a song by Creed or Staind. That, my friends, is truly bananas. B-a-n-a-n-a-s.

Ah, Pride.

Well, I was hoping to take a ton of fun pictures at this year's Pridefest. I didn't count on the heatwave, and the fact that the extreme temperatures would affect my ability to lift a not-quite-one-pound camera.

So here's a picture of a random dog.



Even I can admit that it's an adorable pooch...and I hate every dog in the world (except Kinzie, of course).

And keeping in the animal pic tradition, here's a hot guy wearing a horse's head. The heat must've messed with my ability to decide what is indeed Picture Worthy.

Huh?

I don't think i've ever attempted posting while drunk. So here it goes.

Pridefest was today. Just an excuse to eat Sweet Meat on a Stick and drink some beer during the daytime.

Blood Ray told me that he was going to attempt making out with his new boy.

"Okay. Should I bring a book?"

Because yeah, I have to finish that dollyography.

So we drank, ate, walked....it was really fucking hot out there.

We saw This Guy, Rob, ABB, and other assorted characters. I thought Blood Ray would be the one to fold in the heat, but alas, it was me. And I'm Mexican!

Now I'm downloading the new Missy Elliott CD. And seeing double.

I remember you in Polaroid

My enthusiasm for taking pictures with my new digital camera was met with this kind of reaction at work today:



But that's okay. Because when I showed up this morning, I was greeted with a gift. And, let's face it, gifts are awesome. The pharmacist's five-year-old daughter bought it for me at the mall yesterday. She is beyond precious.



She's not entirely sure what the word "sucks" means. Her mom told her that the sign basically means, "Go be mean somewhere else," and she thought it would be perfect for me.

This is the second time that someone in their family has given me something to put on my walls.
(the poster in the pic, not the giant picture frame)

Fun With Pictures.

Walked to the park and took a few photos. I'm happy with how they turned out, even though I'm not really sure what I can do with pictures of flowers and stuff.







I also discovered that the camera came with a goofy little program that allows you to make goofy little pictures like this one (look carefully):

These are times that can't be weathered

Not quite feeling up for Two Dollar Margarita Night, I decided to go out and finally get that much-needed haircut that I've been talking about for two weeks. I finally found that $5.99 coupon for Great Clips! Seeing the finished product, however, only sealed the deal: no margaritas for me tonight, at least not until this grows out a bit. Next week, perhaps.

Anyway, since I planned on being holed up for the remainder of the day and night, I went out and bought a cheapie digital camera (a companion for my new Ipod Photo). It's nothing special, but it came with a bonus 64MB flash card.

I took my first picture:



Then I reviewed the pic and consulted my manual, re: flash settings.

I remembered reading somewhere or hearing from a certain someone that the bathroom mirror is the best place to take self-portraits. So here it is, me (with color) and my new haircut, as well. Enjoy.




Oh, and Rilo Kiley performed "Portions for Foxes" on the Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson last night. Jenny looked and sounded amazing.

And here's an interesting tidbit:

While Tiffany is embarrassing herself on Clipgirl's favorite new summer show Hit Me Baby One More Time, her one-time teen rival Debbie (i'm sorry, Deborah) Gibson is showing up on-stage at Rilo Kiley performances! Yes, my 80's obsession and my current obsession -- together onstage, performing "Lost in Your Eyes." I probably would've pissed myself if i'd been there.

A newer version of Wyatt

All Hail Queen Helene

I'm declaring war on pores.

Wait, I'm gonna back up a few days.

You know what's creepier than breaking a mirror? How about breaking a mirror SIX HOURS after having a conversation about breaking a mirror. It was a total accident, I swear. Like I need more bad luck.

I was reaching for a towel after a shower (my shower-singing routine on this particular night consisted of Tegan & Sara's "You Wouldn't Like Me," Fiona Apple's "Used to Love Him," and Idina Menzel's "No Good Deed), and I must have swept my mirror onto the floor with the towel. It was heartbreaking. Not only do I get seven more years of bad luck, but I need that little mirror to fix my hair! It was a conundrum.

The next day, I found a replacement mirror at Target. I decided to get a little mirror for the shower, because sometimes it's just nice to have one in there.

I didn't realize that it was a 10X magnifying mirror! As Blood Ray puts it, that's about nine times more than anyone needs.

That little mirror is such a bitch. Seriously.

This is where the War on Pores comes in. I have a couple of masks that I have used these past couple of nights, and they seem to work quite well. I don't mess with those strips anymore, because they really fucking hurt. If anyone else has certain products that are good for pores, let me know.

My roommate has been gone for a few days, and though I love her to death, I really must admit that it's great fun walking around shirtless with a Mint Julep Masque on my face, or listening to music really loud all the time, or inviting people over at two in the morning for impromptu karaoke sessions.

And here's a stupid little link: MSN News has put up this story about tired sitcom cliches. Although one must wonder....is it really a cliche if they had to use shows such as Benson, According to Jim, and Sister, Sister as examples??

The Melting Pot = Deliciousness

First, they bring out the cheese. The waiter frantically whips it up right there in front of you. Since it was my very first visit to the Melting Pot, naturally I had some questions. Like, "Have you ever splashed anyone in the face with that hot cheese? Because I bet it would really hurt." And the follow-up: "Are you going to think of that every time you stir the cheese now? Don't get nervous."

They give you little pieces of bread and apples to dip, and it's delicious. I could've stopped right there.

The salad was pleasant.

Next up is the meat -- a combination of chicken, beef, and other unidentified meats. You know, they really should give you stopwatches to let you know how long your food has been cooking. Because I'm really bad at that shit.

Finally, dessert. Milk chocolate, oreos, marshmallows all melted together and set on fire.

And now I can say I've eaten at the Melting Pot.

The two couples sitting at the table next to us were cute. My favorite part was when Couple Number One took a picture of Couple Number Two. The girl half of Couple Number One waited until after the picture was taken before saying, "Girl, you got cheese all over your face." That's a true friend.

We Are All on Drugs

Anyone out there have a Hotmail account? Well then you'll know what I'm talking about. The rest of you will catch up, I'm sure.

You know how when you log out, they send you to msn.com? And they always have like 3 or 4 links for top news stories? Well, today they had one that said, "Is Your Teen on Drugs?"

I didn't click on it, but I imagine that the story pointed out warning signs like:

"Is your child suddenly uninterested in his school work and/or previous activities?"

"Is he/she hanging with a new crowd?"

"Does he/she seem withdrawn or agitated?"

You know what? MSN News should just save every parent in the world some time and effort. You should click on the link "Is Your Teen on Drugs?" and it should send you to a page with a giant flashing "YES!!"

Let me break it down for you:

I was on the honor roll in high school. I was in Student Council, Honor Society, and yes, even the German Club. I was a member of SADD. Then one day, the summer before Senior Year, I started smoking pot and doing all kinds of other shit. I'm sure that my mom thought, "No way is my sweet, innocent Joseph smoking pot" up until the very moment she found a sack of weed in my bedroom. Wirklich.

So let that be a lesson to every parent or parent to be. Feel free to print this out and give it to other parents. Dear Abby might be interested in running this in her column, even. Oh, wait...is she still with us?

Curse you, Valerie, for making me download Julie Brown's "Girl Fight Tonight!" It's a horrible song, and worse yet, it's stuck in my head on an endless loop. I mean, was it a funny song in the 80's?? I suppose we could always ask Blood Ray, who admitted to owning the entire CD last week!!

And curse you, Fluxblog, for turning me on to the song "Konichiwa Bitches" by Robyn. Everyone remembers Robyn, right? "Show Me Love" Robyn? Blonde?

Yeah, so apparently she never stopped making CDs in her native country (which is either Sweden or Switzerland or wherever the fuck she's from), and the newest album features a rap song, which is REALLY really catchy.

The lyrics are goofy. Like, "I'm so very hot that when I rob your mansion, you ain't call the cops you call the fire station," which doesn't even really rhyme. And don't get me started on the sound effects.

It's the song I'm most embarrassed about liking, and i like a LOT of embarrassing shit.

Like:

Ashlee Simpson - "Autobiography"
Britney Spears - "Do Something"
Shania Twain - "No One Needs to Know" (fitting title, right?)
Vanessa Carlton - "White Houses"

It's good to get all this shit out in the open. You know what else? I really enjoy watching America's Funniest Home Videos. Is that really cause for embarrassment?

It's not like I watch Hee Haw or The Lawrence Welk Show (which, coincidentally, I used to watch when I was a kid. But my sister and I would mute the television and play, like, Nirvana or Salt-N-Pepa and pretend that the bands onscreen were performing "Lithium" or "Shoop" or whatever. You have to remember that we lived in Ste. Genevieve).

Until Crickets Guide You Back

Best news I've gotten in a very long time: Miranda got us fifth row tickets for the White Stripes at the Fox. Now I have to tear my room apart to find my "I Heart Meg" button. I'm excited to see them again. I hear that Meg has curls now. I'll keep you posted.

And then, of course, there's Loretta Lynn at Harrah's August 21.

And that's my summer. Two concerts. Yup.

Remember when we had Summer Vacations? No school, no work, no responsibilities.

My most pressing concern was how I was going to get myself a soda, sometimes walking two miles to the shady tavern down the road, fifty or so pennies weighing down my pockets. Wow, we were REALLY into soda back then. Why wouldn't my mom just give us an endless supply to keep us off the streets?

Then there was the summer when my sister and I became mini-entrepreneurs. We'd buy junk food at Aldi's and run a little concession stand in the neighbor's basement. And we'd charge the neighbors, like, fifty cents to watch our copy of Can't Buy Me Love or Adventures in Babysitting.

We'd watch The Price is Right every...single....day. Sadly, my sister and I knew that as soon as it was over, the mailman would be pulling up to our mailbox for the day's delivery (though nothing was ever for us). Why this was our highlight of the morning puzzles me to this very day. Plus, our mailbox was about 1/8 mile away from our house.

Then, we'd play "Chef Joe" and make fake menus. My sister was the sassy waitress. Everyday she'd take my order and tell me, "We're all out of the pizza today. Might I suggest the grilled cheese?" and "No, sorry, we don't have Coke today. Can I get you a glass of cherry Kool-Aid instead?"

I know it's hard to believe, but my sister and I weren't COMPLETE couch potatoes. There were about five or six other kids in the neighborhood (and when i say "neighborhood" I mean "the two other houses near us"), and we'd play all kinds of stupid shit: the countless games of Spotlight (which is like Hide and Seek, but at night and using a flashlight), Ball Tag, Ghosts in the Graveyard (run! run! run!), Army Ball. Man, my entire neighborhood went nuts during the summer.

You don't get that as a grown-up, and it's a bit unfair. That's why I've decided to just do a half-assed job at work from Memorial Day to Labor Day. Anyone with me?

Went to a party last saturday night....

Before I forget, here's how I know I've been listening to songs from Wicked waaaay too much:

Okay, like I said before, my mom visited this week and brought me a bunch of Oberle Sausage and Oberle Cheese. Good stuff, but she brought more than enough. She even brought a giant package of string cheese. I didn't want any to go to waste, so I took a bunch to work, and even gave some to Blood Ray. Then I thought (to the tune of "No Good Deed"):

"No good cheese goes unfinished. No act of dairy will go uningested."

And now I can't get that out of my head.

As the title of today's post suggests, I attended a party last night. It was sorta bizarre. More than half of the attendees were members of the police force. Only one guy was wearing his uniform, though. I have to admit I was very nervous upon arrival. I thought I'd say something incriminating, or use the word "pig" on accident. And what was I supposed to talk about, anyway? How much I loved Police Academy 3: Citizens on Patrol when i was a kid?

It was, surprisingly, a very nice time. The DJ played M.I.A., the food was great, the beer was free. And a lot of the people turned out to be very nice and interesting, even though they work for "The Man."

After the party, not so good....

And when did "It was nice knowing you, have a nice life" become "I'll call you first thing in the morning?"

What's the 411, hon?

Isn't it fun getting e-mails from long-lost friends? I mean, it sure beats e-mails with the subject line "Erase Debt the Christian Way!"

Case in point: an old college friend named Joanna.

Joanna and I used to work at the Journalism Library at Mizzou, and we bonded rather quickly, seemingly overnight. And this night involved 40 oz. of Budweiser and old Mary J. Blige CDs. We sat on the messy floor of my bedroom, drinking beer, singing along to "Real Love," "Reminisce," "You Remind Me," etc. She has a beautiful voice.

The last song of the CD came on and I said "You be Mary J. and I'll be Grand Puba!" It was such a ridiculous sentence that it turned into, like, our catchphrase. In fact, it was the subject line of the aforementioned e-mail.

I'm not really sure how we fell out of touch, but I'm glad we reconnected. And since I'm not speaking to that selfish bitch Rory Gilmore for at least the summer, it's good to have another person to chat with.



--Don't forget Rock Star Rags is open tomorrow morning!

I'm finding it harder to be a gentleman

I'm still in love with the White Stripes. I remember the day I bought White Blood Cells in 2001. I was living in Columbia, and I stopped by Streetside Records on my way home from the library.

And I remember buying Elephant in 2003. I was living in Lombard and went to Target on my day off to buy it. Then i walked to the pond in my neighborhood to listen to it. I just sat on my bench and listened to the whole thing.

I don't even know if it's cool anymore to listen to the White Stripes, but i really don't care. I mean, I bought the new fucking Kelly Osbourne CD as well today, so that should show you.

(And you know what? I feel a little bit sorry for Kelly Osbourne these days. I'm pretty sure she's not really in rehab, but some sort of hideout where they keep celebrities from performing live on shows like "The View" and Jay Leno when they have new albums to promote.)

So yeah, I'll listen to Get Behind Me Satan tomorrow at the Medicine Shoppe. Good times.

My air conditioner is working again, thank god. I can't believe how hot it was in my bedroom Monday night. I was on No Sleep Tuesday...NO SLEEP!

But things are back to normal. I had a visit from my mother today. We had lunch, she dropped off some Oberle Sausage and cheese, we watched Gilmore Girls. It was nice.

I just really hate the rain. The sound, the smell....just.....yuck. You know?

Here's to Pennilyn Lott JUST for BEING Pennilyn LOTT!

Alrighty. I started reading the Dollyography last night. She refers quite a bit to her best friend, Judy. And whenever she talks about Judy's love life, she uses the words "lover" and "fling" a lot. There are no pronouns and she doesn't say "man." This Judy isn't "on the level." Am i using that right?

Methinks Judy is a lesbian. Where this puts Dolly in all of this, I'm not sure.

The best part of the book is the very end -- a Q&A section. Dolly fields questions from her fans. But these are no ordinary answers -- oh, no. Dolly's a comedienne, y'all!

Q: How do you feel about bald men?

A: I love bald men. Just because you've lost your fuzz, don't mean you ain't a peach.

Q: Are your fingernails real?

A: They're real expensive, and real long.

Q: Have you ever considered suing the tabloids?

A: Yes, for printing lies about me in the middle of the magazine instead of on the cover.

You get the gist.

Well, ladies and gentlemen, that's all for tonight. My air conditioner is broken, and i'm tired and sweaty.

If you don't have a song to sing, you're okay.

I decided to blog about last night's party separately from my post about the wholesome family movie trip that occured on the same day. It just seemed like the right thing to do.

As Blood Ray mentioned in his post, the party was actually some sort of "Make Amends" extravaganza. Most everyone was on his or her best behavior, with a few exceptions of course. What surprised me the most was the amount of gay young men that I've never seen before in my life. Where did they all come from? Of course, if they don't frequent AMP (which is my home away from home) and if they aren't online, then I'm never gonna see them.

For instance, one young charming man (who will be called Red Cheeked Irish Boy, partly because we discussed his Irish heritage and he had REALLY red cheeks, but mainly because I don't remember his real name) caught my eye. At one point, there was some tasteless flirting, which I kept up for the amusement of an onlooking Blood Ray. I'm not too sure about the details (I was drunk), but i believe he wanted me to go to the Complex. When I told him there was no way that was happening, we discussed the possibility of me waiting for him in the downstairs bedroom. This elicited a walk-by butt grab when I least expected it. Goodbye R.C.I.B. Thanks for keeping it classy.

And when the topic of discussion turned to Dolly Parton (and it so often does), her sexuality came into question. One partygoer insisted that she's a lesbian.

Confession: I have not yet cracked open the Dolly autobiography that I was so excited about. However, I seriously doubt that I'm going to open it up to find, like, "Chapter Six: I'm a Lesbian!"

Anyway, we then started talking about Dollywood and how everyone wants to go.

A pause.

Blood Ray: "Eat a pussy? Dollywood!"

See, every now and then, Blood Ray comes up with a pun or one-liner that just absolutely floors me. We're talking gut-busting laughter.

While trying to find the soup party this winter, we approached a street sign reading "Reber Place." Since I always am looking for ways to showcase my awesome vision, I like to read street signs just a little bit earlier than anyone else in the car. "This is Reber. Is it pronounced rebber or ree-ber?"

A pause.

Blood Ray (with a Southern accent): "Don't go away! Reeber will be right back!"

I laughed for about seven or eight blocks.

One more:

We were discussing the hospitalization of one Miss Shelley Long. Apparently she overdosed on pain medicine. I think someone tried to put a spin on it and claim that she just accidentally took the wrong medicine, but now that I think about it....Does Shelley Long really have a publicist? Really? Anyway...

A pause.

Blood Ray: You know what I'd say to Shelley Long when she woke up in the hospital bed? Hello Again.

And dear readers, if you've made it this far, I have a treat for you. Keep in mind that I haven't left the house or even showered yet today. And download this song. I've listened to it at least five times today.

I have never uploaded anything on this site, but all you have to do is click on the link, then scroll to the bottom of the page and click on the button that says "FREE." The next screen will tell you to wait, like 66 seconds and then the link will appear at the bottom for you to right-click and save. It's totally legit, I promise.

It's Fiona Apple's "Waltz," from Extraordinary Machine. It's not the best song on the CD (that would be "Not About Love"), but it certainly fits today's mood.

Fiona Apple - "Waltz"

I've got a pair of magic pants, too.

Well, I certainly got drunk last night. That much is certain.

Also certain is the fact that I went to the movies in O'Fallon with my sister and my nieces, Darby and Zoe. (This was before the drinking began, mind you.)

They are ages ten and eight, respectively, and they are amazing. I love spending time with them, and it was great to finally be able to take them out for an evening of popcorn, sour gummy worms, M&Ms, cherry Icees, and The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants.

Darby read the book already, so I assumed that the film would be all kinds of innocent teenage girl shenanigans. I didn't plan on one of the characters losing her virginity. Sure, it was offscreen, but still.

The movie was basically about four very different girls who were friends since before birth. Amber Tamblyn played Tibby. Tibby was smart and sarcastic and a little bit of an outsider. The audience knows this because she has dyed blue streaks in her hair. I really don't like Amber Tamblyn, but she kinda impressed me in this movie. Almost made me feel sad for her about the cancellation of Joan of Arcadia. Almost.

America Ferrara played Carmen, the Puerto Rican girl with anger management issues and a deadbeat dad. She's larger than the other girls. I'm just saying.

Alexis Bledel (my second favorite Gilmore Girl...third if we're counting Emily) was Lena, a shy (but beautiful) girl sent to stay with her grandparents in Greece, where she literally stumbles into an impossibly hot Greek boy and falls in love after a kinda Romeo and Juliet thing involving...fish.

The last girl was some hot blond soccer star and i'm not gonna bother looking up her name because she wasn't very memorable. Instead I am going to talk about the real star of the movie (no, not the pants) -- the 12-year-old actress Jenna Boyd. I've never seen her in anything before, but OH MY GOD she was good. If you have seen a preview of the movie, she's the girl that says something about Bill Gates running a lemonade stand when he was a kid. She had a small role, but she made me laugh, she made me cry....she's either very good at what she does, or i'm a big softie.

So that's the movie in a nutshell. It was cute, if a little long (like i can control that kind of thing). I'd recommend it to girls and gay men. Straight men aren't gonna like this one, and if they do, it will be for totally disgusting reasons. These girls are playing sixteen year olds! Yes, I'm talking you, 40 year old guy in the front of the theater who left twice to "use the restroom."

***Okay, i just found out that the blond soccer player is actually the SISTER of TEEN WITCH herself, Robyn Lively! Totally noteworthy.

How am I not myself?

While searching for a new table for my phone, I happened upon a book that I didn't even know existed.

Dolly: My Life and Other Unfinished Business by Dolly Parton!

I bought it for 2 dollars. Besides, both Blood Ray and my boss think i need to read more books. One of these people even went so far as to say that I'm "what's wrong with America," like i'm unemployed and collecting welfare or something.

So I watch a lot of television (and never PBS or Discovery Channel, etc.), is that so wrong?

Anyway, i also bought a few DVDs at Hollywood Video -- Garden State, I Heart Huckabee's, and Elf.

I picked Elf over Dodgeball because Elf has Amy Sedaris in it. Sure, Dodgeball has Jason Bateman, but our relationship has changed a bit since I found out he was married to a woman. I just can't catch a break.

P.S. I haven't seen either of those films, but the sale was 3 for $25, and I was not about to buy Bridget Jones: The Edge of Reason, not after what it did to me and Blood Ray.

Ooh, right here in the Foreword, Dolly admits that she LOVES reading! Well if Dolly Parton loves to read.....Forget that both my best friend and my mentor have encouraged me to pick up a book or two, if some Backwoods Hillbilly-turned-Country Superstar with a penchant for reconstructive facial surgery champions reading....

On the next page, she says, "I know you'll go straight to the gossip parts first (I would, too)."

Oh my god, Dolly and I have SO much in common!